• Tuesday: A student loan representative leaves a grave-sounding voice mail; it is "very important" that I call him. Returning the call, I am told there is no record of anyone having called me.
  
• Friday: I receive an e-mail from my online savings bank, "Due Diligence 2nd Request". In my reply, I object that I never received a 1st request, and that I did indeed submit at application time the employment information they've just requested. Three hours later, they e-mail to apologize for the error.

Please disregard the email sent on August 10, 2007, with the subject line: Due Diligence 2nd Request. This email was sent in error and we apologize for the confusion it has caused. If Due Diligence information is required, you will receive a follow-up email. Again we apologize for this inconvenience.

• Are you dog friendly? If so, may I build a doghome in the backyard? (Don't worry — he's home-trained.)
  
• I might want to provide assistance to the FBI. Can I use the unit as a safe home?
  
• In my last place, the previous tenants spilled home dressing on the carpet, and I got blamed. It begs the question, before I move-in, Can I thoroughly inspect your Unit? (Irregardless, the whole home of cards went down at my last place and I was literally buried in red tape.)
  
• You follow the Equal homing amendment, right? Because I often have my houseys over to rap, if you know what I mean. My people often say, So and so is "in the home," if you catch my drift.
  

1. I opena da door
   
2. I inserta da food
   
3. I cooka da food. Beeep!
   
4. I opena da door. The light turns on. The plate spins up. The radiation giving hum swells.
   
5. I abruptly close the door.
   
6. I open the door. The light turns on. The plate rotates. It burns me with the power of a thousand cell phones.
   
7. Do I close the door? Yes, I close the door.

TO ALL.  STOP.

WHAT WORLD-WIDE-WEB SITE BOASTS THE MOST PARSIMONIOUS AEROFLITE FAREMASTER.  STOP.

1. Muscovites pack themselves into relatively few cars on a relatively small system. They find it somewhat soothing, then, to ride through the world's most beautiful stations.


2. For NYC's overwhelming superiority in rolling stock, yuh'd think there'd always be room to stretch your legs at rush hour.**


3. Consecutive stations on the Tube, by arithmetic mean, are almost one mile apart! Perhaps the airport runs skew the statistical distribution?


4. Did anyone else see the Flintstones episode in which Fred's car broke down, and he and Barney had to take the subway to work? Most anti-transit screed-in-cartoon-form ever.